Every man, whether raised by a present father or in the shadow of his absence, eventually asks the same quiet question: Am I enough?
It whispers in boardrooms, gyms, churches, and bedrooms. It's the hidden driver behind striving, isolation, perfectionism, and despair.
One of the key roles of a father is to establish his son's identity and remind him of it, both as a son within the family and as a man.
This identity is the foundation for healthy masculinity. If a young man has not cemented a sense of identity and belonging, his life could collapse.
You've probably heard of something called the Father Wound. It's not the same as fatherlessness, but fatherlessness can undoubtedly contribute to it.
Dad may not have been there physically, or maybe he was there and checked out emotionally. He may have been abusive in one or multiple ways.
Either way, Dad isn't a dad.
That leaves a hole in the child's heart. This hole must be filled by someone or something. People try to compensate with work, drugs, alcohol, sex, family, achievement, money, and plenty of other things.
Most men, in America and around the world, choose one of two paths: numb the pain or ignore it.
Many of us were raised by family or society to "just rub some dirt on it" when it came to addressing inner wounds. You have to "be a man" regardless of what happened to you. You gotta John Wayne your way through life. Going to therapy or talking things out is for sissies.
Something I learned from my father wound is this: Either destroy it, or it will destroy you.
The question of "Am I Enough?" won't go away unless it's answered. This question seeks not just validation but also security. It's the inner child that wants to be hoisted on his father's shoulders so he can feel big, strong, and just a little closer to the sky. And he knows that his father has a firm grip on his legs so he won't fall.
Every human being needs to feel a sense of identity, belonging, and security. It doesn't matter how old you get. This is who you are, this is where you belong, and you're safe here.
It's why so many young men and boys who don't feel this way join gangs, especially if they are from fatherless and unsafe homes.
But what if you don't have someone to remind you of these things? Then, you need to build yourself a home—brick by brick. You need to create a home for yourself that is both safe and sturdy.
Here are a few tips for you to lay the groundwork for your healing:
1. Look the monster in the eye:
You can't heal what you deny. Get alone with yourself, grab a pen and paper, and pour out your pain onto the page. If you need to cry, do it. Get your feelings out of your mind and body.
2. Surround yourself:
Healing often happens in a community. Surround yourself with trusted men who will love, support, and challenge you. Find a few close friends, mentors, counselors, and family members who won't flinch at your story and will walk with you on your journey.
3. Become the man you wished you had:
Mentor a younger man—volunteer with fatherless boys. In giving, you heal yourself.
4. Create and define your personal policy:
Write out a manifesto for yourself. Determine the kind of man you want to be.
5. Do things without an audience:
Build your hidden strength by achieving things that are known only to you. Chop wood. Write quietly. Fix something small when no one's watching.
6. Bless others:
Send a check-in text to your friends. Help out other men. Speak life. Say, "I'm proud of you," and "You've got what it takes." In blessing others, you rebuild what you lacked.
7. Forgive:
Forgiveness is not rolling on your back and surrendering. It's rising above the pain's grip on your heart. You're not excusing the behavior or the abandonment. You're denying the pain's ability to define you.
As a Christian, I believe the ultimate healing comes from a Creator and Father who never leaves, God Himself. Jesus absorbed the weight of all sin so men could be called sons. But like healing, this requires a step: acknowledging brokenness, receiving a new identity, and standing in it.
The father wound connects to a lack of presence. By not learning to be present for yourself by working towards healing, you're abandoning yourself AGAIN.
If you don't build a house where you can be secure in your identity, you'll freeze to death in the cold. Don't leave yourself behind. You are far too valuable for that!
Heal. So you can live free!
As you can see, this is a topic that's near and dear to my heart. I'm currently working on a book that addresses the journey of healing from wounds and trauma. My inspiration is Pilgrim's Regress and my own journey. Is that something you'd like to know more about?
We’re right on the heels of Father’s Day in the United States and in the middle of Men’s Mental Health Month. If you enjoyed this article feel free to share it with other or share your thoughts in the comments!
Those are great tips Jordan! I love how they focus on looking within and serving others, that truly is the path to happiness. And without #1, I'd still be lost - journaling remains a major contributing factor to my personal growth.
This is a much needed, and timely guide; a detailed map for a road less traveled—one lined with sign posts and mile markers from God, which lend themselves to our ultimate healing, restoration, reconciliation, and recognition of the value placed in us as men.
Thank you for shining a light on paths which have been darkened by the vagaries of life.